1. "Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac." ~ George Carlin



2. "Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded." ~ Tim Allen

3. "I drive a V10 Ford Excursion and I have to tell folks all the time: look I've got five kids and a dog and birds. I would have to have two Lincolns with two V8s, you see, so it would be 16 cylinders." ~ Dan Aykroyd

4. "Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense!" ~ George Carlin

5. "Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes." ~ Jim Carrey

6. "Have you ever been in therapy? No? You should try it. It's like a really easy game show where the correct answer to every question is: 'Because of my mother.'" ~ Robin Greenspan

7. "Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue." ~ Scott Adams

8. "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!" ~ Dave Barry

9. "Politicians are interested in people. Not that this is always a virtue. Fleas are interested in dogs." ~ PJ O'Rourke

10. "Insanity is hereditary: You can get it from your children." ~ Sam Levinson.

11. "An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but if the doctor's cute then forget the fruit!" ~ Bumper sticker quote

12. The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits. ~ Albert Einstein

13. "Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society." ~ Mark Twain

14. "The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you." ~ Rita Mae Brown

15. "USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population." ~ David Letterman

As Carlos Mencia says... "If you ain't laughing, you ain't living." This month, why not take life a little less seriously and laugh a little more. At the very least, share these funny quotes on Joke Day and crack a few grins with your friends.