When you're divorced, one of the biggest challenges when there are children involved is the ongoing interface you must have with your ex. Your children deserve this communication because they don't handle change real well, and this communication is part of the continuity they so want and so deserve to have.



So finding a way to communicate with your ex is one of the problems you will have to resolve. Have your past attempts dissolved into arguments? Are there areas where the ex wants things done in a particular way and you don't agree? Does you ex think he/she has more of a voice in the upbringing than you think he/she should have? Is there a step-parent on the scene who thinks they also have a vote?

For the sake of your children, and this is the key determinate in your life until they are adults, you owe it to them to find a way to bring harmony to all these distressing situations. So how do you do that?

1. Most importantly, if you think an argument will happen, do not have these talks in front of your children. Children love both their parents and they cannot bear emotionally hearing them fight. It is too destructive to them, so either have these discussions off site when they are not present, or have them at night on the phone when you are positive they are asleep. If you need to, have another adult present who will help you stay on track and control your emotions.

2. Think things through prior to speaking with your ex. Know the points you want to make. If you have a tendency to get too emotional during discussions and forget your points, write them down.

3. Do conscious breathing. If you focus on deep breathing, you can keep the emotions under control. Combined with thinking things through and writing things down, it will help you keep communications more rational.

4. If your ex baits you during a talk, and you recognize it, let him/her know that you recognize that baiting is going on and that if it continues, you will stop the communication until it stops. If you are on the phone, say that you will hang up. If you are in person, say that you will walk away. This might be difficult, but you will enjoy the sense of self-respect if you can learn to do this.

5. If you find that talking is not effective, write letters. Keep them unemotional. Stick with just the facts you want to have resolved. These letters or emails also provide documentation should things escalate into the courts.

6. Bring someone to support you. A friend or family member who stands by silently yet lends support is very comforting if the communication is challenging or difficult. The police can lend assistance. Watch their methods. You can adopt them yourself.

When you must get a divorce, you're going to have to interface with your ex. Neither of you may be prepared to handle all the change that will be required. I'd like there to be continuity for the sake of your children, and I hope these tips help you achieve that.