The holiday season brings unique challenges to



dealing with affairs. Holidays bring with them

many expectations, both realistic and unrealistic.

These expectations carry with them increased

emotional sensitivity. With the heightened

emotional sensitivity dealing with an affair can

easily become a high drama situation. Everyone

involved with an affair situation brings

additional drama to an already volatile situation.

The resolute spouse, the disloyal spouse and the

lover each exert pull on the situation and each

other.

Even without the affair, the holiday season

brings remembrances and recollections from past

holidays. Under healthy circumstances, such

remembrances are viewed as good things. In the

circumstance of an affair, such recollections

often bring with them the unfulfilled desires

from previous years and yearnings to satisfy

those desires. A fantasy is created concerning

how the affair will change or fix things. An

affair will change things although not in a

predictable or healthy manner. The parties

involved in the affair often feed into each

others fantasy. With the holidays, people are

more susceptible to entertaining fantasies,

especially with merchants and advertisers

encouraging fantasies.

When unfulfilled desires are channeled into an

affair, those involved often look at it as the

fulfillment of what had been denied to them in

previous years. It is as if they are looking for

a new fix for an old hurt. In circumstances where

old unfulfilled desires stem from earlier years

in life, the affair becomes disappointing.

In considering dealing with affairs in the

holiday season, the proactive actions to avoid

affairs include:

1.Practice moderation in drinking and hours you

keep.

2.Get plenty of sleep.

3.Avoid high risk situations where affairs may

occur. If you are attending a party with high

risk persons, take extra precautions.

4.Recognize that affairs often start with "ISM" (

I-self-me) thinking. When such thoughts start

occurring, you may have to avoid or alter the

situation.

In the event an affair has occurred the following

general actions are needed.

1.Be honest with yourself about what is

happening or has happened.

2.Don't try to buy your spouses affection with

expensive gifts. (I am NOT saying do not give

gifts. I am saying to not try to buy off your

guilt with a gift).

3.Spend time with your family, rather than avoid

them.

4.Don't threaten your spouse.

Although the holiday season has many potential

dangers, the increased emotional

sensitivities also provide opportunities for

reconciliation. During the holiday season, many

people are more generous about forgiving. Recall

that forgiveness is NOT pardoning, approving or

accepting the behavior.

Besides opportunities for reconciliation, the

holidays also provide opportunities to create new

family memories. Since there is greater

likelihood of acceptance during the holidays,

this time provides opportunities for rebuilding

family relationships that may have suffered

damage related to the affair. These relationships

may be with your children, in-laws, or other

extended family members. In your attempts at

rebuilding relationships it is always important

to accept people for who they are.

The holidays provide unique challenges, dangers

and opportunities. Depending on how these unique

qualities are dealt with, an affair can be

especially devastating during this time. When

faced with honesty, and courage, the holidays

provide many opportunities for reconciling and

healing.