Many children stop going to their parents to share their problems. Some parents do not realize that this is a very serious indication that there is a serious problem between them and their children. We have to recognize that children, whether they are young teens, teenagers or early adults, face many difficulties and frustrations. When these problems are not properly deal with, many grave harms may emerge later in their lives. By then, too much harmful damage may have occurred and parents may not be able to take the necessary corrective actions.



It is very imperative for parents to be fully aware of this grave state of affairs, take a serious assessment of the situation, and plan corrective strategies and actions to prevent the unnecessary and dreadful results.

In this article, we shall address three important aspects of this issue.

(i)Probing questions to discover why our children are not coming to us with their troubles anymore.

(ii)Examine and spot some of the causes that discourage our children from sharing their troubles with us.

(iii)Propose some curative measures.

In our dealing with our children, we have to remind ourselves to respond to them in ways that assure them that it is paramount for them to approach us whenever they encounter any apprehension or fear.

Section 1: Searching Questions for the Start

Here are some searching questions for us to contemplate so as to help us to better grasp the plausible explanations that discourage our children when they come to us with their troubles:

1. Do we demonstrate true interest when they reveal their joy or fear to us?

2. Do we display true pleasure for the time they share with us?

3. Do we offer the crucial encouragement and assistance when they approach us with their problems?

4. Do we scoff at their childish worries and anxieties?

5. Do we extend a helping hand to them to cope with their failure, grief and even despair?

6. Do we share their delightful or gloomy moments with them?

7. Do we show gentleness when they make mistakes and we want them to learn the lessons?

8. Are we aware of the troubles that our children may be facing?

9. Do we take the trouble to observe our children’s behaviors, to see whether anything is amiss?

10. Are we acting as our children’s best friends, their most trusted confidants?

11. Are we showing them due respect and consideration?

12. Are we sharing with them our own trepidations, feelings and opinion?

13. Have we responded to them in such a way that they believe it is always good for them to share their thoughts with us?

14. Have we been living upright lives ourselves?

15. Have we been good role models for our children?

Section 2: Some Probable Causes

It is important for us to seriously examine things that we might have done wrongly so that our children may be encouraged to come back to us whenever they face any difficulties or have any concerns.

While it is not easy to identify the exact reasons that discourage our children from discussing their thoughts and fears with us, there are many common causes that we can investigate and use them to us to develop suitable corrective actions.

Here are some of the more general explanations that prevent our children from coming to us to share their worries:

1. We have not extended to our children our empathy for the problems they face

If our children do not feel connected to us, they may feel that everything we offer is not relevant to their problems and will not be acceptable.

2. Our advice is "lose-lose" to our children

When we give advice, if it proves to be correct, we get the credit, but when the advice turns out to be not successful, they get the blame for not being able to carry it out successfully.

3. They feel stupid when we give them instructions

When the instructions come from us, they do not feel they have ownership. They may also feel that we think they are unable to develop their own solutions. We take on the position of the experts who have the knowledge and wisdom and our children are treated as if they do not have sufficient knowledge or skills to deal with the problems. They may feel insulted and hostility creeps in between parents and children.

4. We Do Not Provide Solutions that are Relevant and Appropriate

This can occur when we assume that we already know what the real issues are before obtaining the details and examining them.

5. We Do Not Really Understand Our Children’s Concerns

If we do not spend enough time and effort to try and understand the things that trouble the minds of our children, how can we know the real problems that affect them?

A typical example may be like this: Our children come to us to express their anxiety over the relationship they have with their friend. What they are really concerned about may be how to salvage the relationship. We, on the other hand, may suggest that they stay away from these friends. We are prodding them to damage a relationship that they want to restore so desperately!

6. We do not appreciate the efforts of our children

When we denigrate their efforts to cope with their problems, they will be discouraged to make efforts in solving future problems.

7. Our children do not need our solution

Sometimes our kids just want to share their problems with us and do not want or need advice from us at all. Any attempt to throw in our solutions will be detrimental to our children's self-esteem.

Section 3. Recommended Pointers for Consideration

Now that we have considered various possible causes that could discourage our children from sharing their problems with us, I will provide three action pointers for consideration:

1. Understand the Real Issues

We and our children have to take the problems to identify and analyze the crusts of the problems. Encourage them to identify and weigh the various options available. Very often, the solutions become clear.

2. Demonstrate Empathy and Understanding

We must learn to show evidence of our empathy with our children for the problems and difficulties they face so that they feel they are with us and we are with them. It is important to give our children the feeling that we are with them - and not just physically, but also emotionally. In this way, they will be more willing to disclose their true feelings and thoughts and wisdom and be receptive to what we have to offer.

3. Create "Win-Win" Situations

Whenever possible, we want to create situations that are "win-win" for them. For example, we encourage them to develop their own solutions and let them take the credit when they succeed. And they take credit for the admirable efforts, if they fail.

I believe that with careful thoughts and determinations, we can help our children to realize that it's always good for them to open their hearts and share their problems to us.

Resources:

http://www.jacobgan.com/Stress/Stress-In-Kids-And-Teens.html

http://www.succezz.com/Enrichment/

http://www.demystifycancer.com/Courses-Psychology.htm