When I hear someone label themselves as “shy,” I know they are limiting their opportunities to meet and connect with people every day. Being shy isn't a physical trait like having brown eyes … you can eliminate it and overcome it.



The first thing you need to be aware of and realize is that shyness is not who you are – it's not part of your identity. If someone asks you if you're shy, what is your answer? Do you say “Yes, I am a shy person.”

When you say that, you are accepting that being shy is just part of who you are – that it's part of your identity. By you telling yourself (and others) that you are a shy person, you are negatively affecting your own mindset. It is very limiting.

One of the first, and most important ways to overcome shyness is to be conscious about eliminating it as part of your identity. One way to get to that place if you are having trouble is to speak about yourself as if you've already overcome your shyness. The next time someone asks you if you're shy, you can say “I am no longer a shy person.” As you continue to say this, you will believe it.

You need to also understand that much of your feeling of being shy comes from negative talk inside your own head. Stop listening to the monkey chatter in your head!

What goes on in your head and what do you think about when you feel shy? Do a whole bunch of different thoughts go through your your mind like monkey chatter you hear at the Central Park Zoo? Are there what seem like hundreds of monkeys screaming all different things in you ear, none of which are good thoughts?

Do you think that you can't talk to members of the opposite sex because you're shy? Do you believe that people next to you are thinking negative things about you because of your shyness, or about how you look or about anything else about you?

You need to stop listening to all of this negative talk in your head. Be aware of when your perception about a situation comes solely from these negative thoughts in your head, and then consciously choose to ignore them. You need to stop speculating and assuming things about what's going on around you based on then negative chatter in your head. It will lead you astray every time.

An extension of the monkey chatter problem going on in your head are thoughts and assumptions about what those around you think or feel about you. You need to realize that people are not talking about you and they are not judging you.

Do you ever refrain from approaching someone because you are worried about what people around you will think about you? Are you worried that they will think you're strange, or pathetic, or a failure, or that they will make fun of you if you approach a member of the opposite sex?

You need to realize that not only are people around you are not talking about you, they are no thinking about you at all. They aren't because they are doing exactly what you are doing, i.e., thinking about themselves and what is going on in their own lives. They may be worrying just like you about their own problems, their own issues and, maybe, about their own shyness.

Have you ever been standing in a grocery checkout line next to someone you'd love to talk to but don't because you don't want to be judged by those around you? These people are not judging you. They are thinking about how miserable they are in their job, how they weren't happy with the latte they were served that morning and how long it's taking them to get through that grocery line.

The only person judging you on your shyness is you. The only person thinking about the thoughts in your head is you.

Perhaps the most important thing you need to do to overcome your dating shyness is understand that you hold the power to overcome your own shyness. The truth is that being shy is all about you and your own thoughts about yourself. It's not about anything or anyone else.

The good news about this is that you are not stuck being shy … you have the power to overcome your shyness. Once you understand this, you then need to decide to take the necessary action to overcome your shyness.

You have the power to open your mouth and say hello to anyone. Being shy really means that you are judging yourself. It means that you are judging yourself to be unworthy and incapable of meeting and attracting the opposite sex – and this is totally untrue.

You need to accept your life. You need to embrace yourself for who you are and what you're all about, then go out and talk to others with that confidence. When you stop judging yourself, you will no longer feel shy.

Once you understand what being shy really is and how it has been controlling you, you can take control of your mind and your emotions and eliminate it from your life permanently. Don't let a poor mindset hold you back from meeting and connecting with people every day.