Don’t mistake stiff, obtuse copy for professional-sounding communication. Jargon and vague clichés add nothing of value for the reader, are difficult to fully understand, and make the writer seem pompous. Here’s an example of puffed up copy that gives up clarity in an attempt to sound impressive and important:



“Seeking to enrich the community by offering creative experiences that make a difference in the lives of visitors, the Museum involves artists, arts educators, a variety of community organizations, and the children themselves as active partners in all aspects of Museum programming.

Offering an assortment of dynamic, arts-based education programs and exhibits that cultivate creativity, originality and individuality, the Museum seeks to uncover hidden talents, raise new questions, and encourage creative thinking. Though frequented by elementary schools and family visitors, the Museum is designed to engage all ages, including toddlers, teens, parents, and grandparents.

As a cultural and educational institution with a multi-national audience, the Museum is also dedicated to integrating the unique character of our community with its extraordinary ethnic diversity, unique geographic border, emerging urban culture, innovative technologies and rich artistic resources. Multi-cultural activities that celebrate the arts & culture of diverse world-wide communities through hands-on art projects, storytelling, music, visual & performing arts events that employ styles, techniques, cuisine and cultural histories from around the world are examples of how the Museum strives to strengthen multi-cultural understanding, respect, and to build community through the language of art."

Huh? Aren’t we talking about a children’s museum here? This message could have been expressed in 1/3 of the space. Repeat after me: The longer and more convoluted your copy, the less likely someone will read it. If they don’t read it, they won’t get your message. If they don’t get your message, they won’t buy from you.

The above example is more boring than informative. Self serving and bloated writing always is. Even so, the writer was obviously educated. So what happened? Why is so much business writing so unreadable?

Reason 1: The writer didn’t bother editing

More than likely the above example was the first and only draft. Count the redundancies. These could have been easily removed had the writer spent more time streamlining the copy.

Reason 2: The writer was trying too hard to sound “smart"

In an attempt to impress a reader, boss or colleague, otherwise talented and highly skilled professionals inflate their copy, turning it into incoherent but “important sounding" gibberish.

Where’s the message?

“Seeking to enrich the community by offering creative experiences that make a difference in the lives of visitors."

I’m a parent, and I can promise you that I don’t care one bit if the museum I take my kid to “seeks to enrich the blah blah blah…"

Here’s what I would care about…

1.My kid having safe fun

2.My kid learning something

3.Not being bored to death myself

I guarantee that even the most worldly and cultured parents care about the same 3 things. The writer should have known that. Let’s rewrite this, starting with the original copy.

“Seeking to enrich the community by offering creative experiences that make a difference in the lives of visitors, the Museum involves artists, arts educators, a variety of community organizations, and the children themselves as active partners in all aspects of Museum programming.

Offering an assortment of dynamic, arts-based education programs and exhibits that cultivate creativity, originality and individuality, the Museum seeks to uncover hidden talents, raise new questions, and encourage creative thinking. Though frequented by elementary schools and family visitors, the Museum is designed to engage all ages, including toddlers, teens, parents, and grandparents.

As a cultural and educational institution with a multi-national audience, the Museum is also dedicated to integrating the unique character of our community with its extraordinary ethnic diversity, unique geographic border, emerging urban culture, innovative technologies and rich artistic resources. Multi-cultural activities that celebrate the arts & culture of diverse world-wide communities through hands-on art projects, storytelling, music, visual & performing arts events that employ styles, techniques, cuisine and cultural histories from around the world are examples of how the Museum strives to strengthen multi-cultural understanding, respect, and to build community through the language of art."

The rewrite:

“The museum offers dynamic educational programs and exhibits for children of all ages. Our activities celebrate art and culture through hands-on projects, story telling, music and performances. Children from all backgrounds will uncover hidden talents, learn about the world around them, and most importantly, have fun."

There—the copy reduced to about 30% of the original. Does it cover every single point? No. But it does get across the core message, and that’s all that really matters in the end. It makes one point, in a clear and simple way, rather than convolute a straight forward idea with jargon and fluff.

Remember, no matter how brilliant or profound your message, nobody will get it if they don’t read what you wrote in the first place. The simplest way to get your copy read is to write like you talk. That’s it. Of course, your copy will be better edited than your day to day speech, but it should still sound natural.

How to improve your own writing

1.Read your copy out loud several times and eliminate or change any phrasing that sounds stiff, unnatural, or just doesn’t make sense.

2.Simplify, simplify, simplify.

3.Pick 1 core message and focus on getting it across in the most efficient and interesting way possible.

Here’s another example from a recent workshop advertisement:

“Great enterprises and great teams know how to unite their efforts around an inspiring mission and clear vision for action. And getting that commitment from employees on the front lines requires managers to master the best communication strategies for success. “

Now imagine a salesperson walking into your office and saying the same thing. That mouthful would be met with a blank stare.