1. Bereavement 
2. job redundancy 
3. job change 
4. new baby 
5. overwork 
6. money worries 
7. personal arguments
8. physical injury 
9. serious illness 
10. lifestyle change 
11. drugs drink addiction

Most of these constitute what most people would regard as genuine obstacles they have had to face or endure which are harder to cope with than you would like.

Why.

This might seem an odd question, but it is very pertinent. For me the why in every case above breaks down to

this is something I have never experienced before, coupled with high emotional involvement.

Many psychologists will be wringing their hands at my next statement, but I believe that just as we all have a God given talent, that we can ALL cope.

I am not religious, this is just the way I feel.

We CAN all cope.

With something we have never experienced before, there is an innate set of worries.

• will I be able to cope with this 
• will I make a fool of myself 
• how can I possibly do this on my own 
• what is really happening here 
• will I do this in the right way 
• I hope I dont make too much fuss 
• will I survive this unscathed 
• How will I ever get through this.

A step into the unknown, never before experienced. With experience comes the confidence you have done it before, and even if it was unsuccessful, you know how better to approach it this time, know what is coming, and to a small degree, know how to best deal with it.

Some things, like bereavement, are never going to be easy.

So what can we do to minimise the impact of these new and frightening or slightly worrying or plain terrifying events.

We have to know we will eventually cope with anything.

We CAN all cope.

What do we need in our armoury to try to cope then.

1. Confidence 
2. Knowledge 
3. Back up 
4. Friends 
5. Self reliance 
6. Determination 
7. Know our own limitations 
8. Be calm under pressure 
9. Make logical reasoned decisions 
10. Realise only we can do it

The prime, underlying thing you will most need will be the most difficult to try to do, sleep.

To have any chance of coping well under undue stress, you have to have eight hours unbroken sleep. Period.

This is singularly the hardest thing to do, to let go when you are under the highest stress, but you must do to cope, preferably without sleeping pills.

To truly sleep under grim stress you have to be aware that there is only so much you can do in one day, and also some days you cannot alter or affect what is the problem. Also some days you will get absolutely nowhere.

Identify your problem, or problems, as they have a habit of multiplying at bad times.

Break your problem down into the smallest parts you can think of and make two lists.

One list shows what you can directly do something about now. The other shows things beyond your control, at least for now.

You can only deal with what is directly possible, so make an achievable schedule of what to do each day.

And do it.

Then sleep. You have done all you can that day, and you have a plan to work to, and you must not worry over things beyond your control. That is a hard one but very true, you probably worry most over what you can do least about.

Have a hot bath, and if not alcoholic a sherry or a port, then sleep solidly for eight hours.

If you cant do anything about something, dont, let it go.

Once you have your plan your armoury comes into play.

Confidence is built by truly knowing you are capable.

Knowledge of something new builds confidence, so read up on others experiences, and ask others who have been through this before.

Back up your own abilities with specialist advice where it involves specialist knowledge, preferably a few erudite opinions, not just one.

Friends, true friends will share the load. So if you  know now you are not worthy of friends, for example, if you lie a lot, stop lying.  True friends come out of being a true friend  and are worth gold at these times in support. So now is a good time to look at yourself and see if you cant be better to those around you, you never know when you might need their help.

Self reliance comes from knowing you have overcome things before, allied to knowing you have to do it again now. Never worry about looking stupid, or failing, or being out on a limb on your own or making an undue fuss.  We have all been there, we can ALL get by.

Determination cannot be overstated, if you are truly determined anything is possible, but it is easier to be  determined when you can actually see and visualise what you are up against. This is a voyage into somewhat unknown territory, but we are all capable of coping. It is often the fear of failure that leads to failure, not the lack of moral fibre or intelligence or  resilience. Its the What If It All Goes Pear Shaped that makes it into a pear.  You must be single mindedly determined to succeed, which will waver at times, we all have some healthy self doubt, but overall we must be strong, and we ARE capable of it, ALL of us. You are only ever weak if you want people to feel sorry for you. We can all be strong, we can all survive intact.

Knowing your own limitations is probably paramount to  all of this. Nothing is more undermining than knowing you have overreached yourself, or under performed, or attempted something way too difficult and looked stupid. You are going to feel a bit lower than usual, so dont expect  miracles. Set yourself achievable things to do each day.  If you genuinely feel you cannot possibly do something and  are not chickening out, then get the best person you can suited to the task to help, but its best to try yourself, if at all possible as this builds knowledge even if you arent too brilliant the first time, and knowledge builds up confidence, an upward spiral.

Being calm under pressure and making logical reasoned decisions may seem very smug things to say, and very  difficult things to actually achieve. These both come down to being able to devote sufficient time to a given problem. You are not in a race, but it seems that way as there is so much adrenaline, yet thinking time often halves working time, and  clear thinking brings relief from stress quicker  than rushing on headlong and poorly directed. Many people have devoted much time and energy to time management, but its not just mumbo jumbo. I find I use lists. and I use a personal organiser now, where I used to rely on my memory, but its all one and the same. A task is a task and for you it takes a set time to achieve, which gets longer as we get older, so we must not get annoyed when we cant do it as quickly  or efficiently as we used to do when younger. Nevertheless it still takes a finite time, we should be aware of that and calm down to allow that time for that task. If in doubt then constructively and positively think for a while, rather than carry on regardless. A cup of tea can take five minutes, but the thinking can save you fifty. Often it was hurtling along at breakneck pace and  ever increasing workload that created the problem in the first place, all the more reason to sit back a little and take stock of where we are, before yet again zooming off at a tangent.  Often its only when you break away from the  backing you can see you were stuck in the mould, and can see in the quiet and still where the frantic  and noisy were headed. Just as nothing good lasts forever, then so nothing bad  does either, this WILL go away eventually, leaving you stronger and more confident to face the future.

Just as drink or drugs is a day at a time, so problems are a finite bit by bit at a time.

Remember, we ALL have serious problems. We ALL get through them ok.

Never start thinking I deserve this, I have been bad,  I should have done things differently, I am unworthy due  to the way ive lived my life. This is now, you are now, even if you have been bad news you can sort it,  and start to be a useful person, now. Be positive for once in your life, this is grim, but I am going to get through it no matter what.

And you will.

Also remember, no one said life was fair, it isnt. Bloody awful things happen to very nice people.

I have lost friends and I still cant really grasp they are gone, I guess I find this the hardest to cope with as its the one you can do the least about, but I know they wouldnt want me moping about, any more than ill want anyone moping over me, long live wakes. Plus harping over the past ignores todays friends and family, who are still here and need you too.

This might read a bit antiseptic. For 1 do this, for 2 do that, but in a way you have to try to break it down that way to deal with it, as it can seem overwhelming as a whole but achievable in bits. Cathedrals are made of stones.

There are no easy solutions, but sleep, organisation, time management, and a calm positive attitude will go a  long way to sorting things out.

Also, identifying unachievable tasks and ignoring them in favour of things you can directly do and affect will be instantly productive and ease the pressure quickly, however most of all you have to realise that at the end of  the day, it is your problem and chances are YOU are going  to have to sort it out, sometimes alone.

But you WILL sort it out, with belief in yourself.

Also, sadly, there is only so much you can do for friends,before they too have to start helping themselves. Many will have you tearing yourself to pieces on their behalf, who would do very little to help you in turn.

This might sound harsh, but there is a limit to how much you can help someone before they become dependent on your help for evermore. This doesnt help them anyway,  as from what has been said before, they only gain by experiencing the pleasure of overcoming their own demons, and the pride and confidence this gives them in having done so relatively unaided.

Help people to help themselves, they will be better able then to help you help yourself in the future.

Its a cruel world, sometimes there is just you between you and oblivion.

But that should be enough.

You can win.

When all I had was turning bad,
When night seemed endless dark,
When fire died deep down inside,
And cried out for a spark,
When all seemed, dire bad dreams,
Through every tormented hour,
And I seemed small, viewed overall,
Puny against great power,
Then I regained my former flame,
Kindled against these mighty forces,
Though alone, all on my own,
Against fates cavalry and horses,
Twas then my power seized the hour,
And the nightmare ran off screaming,
It was purely me that set me free,
Though I may only have been dreaming.

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