1. Get over Yourself



When I lead workshops and seminars, I usually start the things with dancing, and my favourite first song is "Get over It," by The Eagles. The song is a poignant reminder that the "Cult of Victimization" is alive and well, especially in North America. We live in an age where people want complete freedom coupled with no responsibility. (see # 4). This plays out in lots of odd behaviour then, when things go south, the finger pointing starts.

Getting over yourself requires determined effort at no blame. Now, that's not the same as saying "anything goes." All of us need to step up to the plate and decry the present state of our planet, but a whole lot of griping does nothing. We change the world by changing ourselves. And I mean that literally and practically.

Blaming simply puts the onus onto something / someone else (the government, the church, parents, whomever) while the blamer feels all self-righteous. Here is a hint: as soon as you blame anyone or anything for who you are and where you are, you have just become a victim. And I don't care what we are talking about here. It is nonsensical to waste your time on stories of being hard-done-by. The only valid question is: Given my life so far, what shall I do differently, so as to shift the situation?

Dwelling on the internal "I was so badly treated" story changes precisely nothing. You are not required to approve of what happened in the past. You are required to move heaven and earth to get past it. Obsessing about it changes nothing.

Remember: argue for your limitations, and they are yours. Define yourself as a poor, helpless victim, and you are one. Magic. If you do not like where you are right now, the only thing that will change this is you doing something (anything!) differently.

2. Get a Life

I'm not so big on, "Everyone has a destiny to fulfill." I hate idiotic claptrap like that. I do believe that each of us is here with a skill set and a set of abilities and attributes that is as unique to us as our eye colour.

In other words, you are it, as far as your 'model' goes. Talk about a limited production unit!

The world is not going to end if you choose to sit on your rear and do nothing but put in time. Thoreau was right--most people live lives of quiet desperation. I wonder about that, though. It's as if fitting in and not making waves is a smart life choice.

Many folk go through the motions for decades and arrive at 60 or so, and wonder, "Now what?" or "What was that all about?" Others seem to get to that state in their 30s. Well, what it's "all about" is showing up for your life.

Notice the pronoun 'your.' You are not here to be what your peers wantyou to be. You are not here to 'follow in your father's footsteps.' You are not here to follow the rules and never make waves, or to follow some old, archaic set of rules found in outdated holy books.

You are here to carve out space that is yours alone.

Think about 'famous people' that come to mind, and for the most part, let us leave pop stars out of this equation. I'm thinking Martin Luther King, Gandhi, Mandela, Edison, etc. What makes such people special? They applied their personality and skill set to the world they lived in, and in a sense, bent the world to their perspective. I do not think they were 'special' people in the sense of unique. I think they were special because they chose to actually do something.

Noticing a pattern here? I believe that acting is the real key to living a meaning-filled life. And the only action you can take is the action YOU take. In other words, if you don't do it, it won't happen. And the world gets a little weirder and more boring as a result.

Remember: Only you can bring forth what you can bring forth, and the only time you can do it is this moment. The painting that is your life is only real when you stop thinking about it and actually paint it.

3. Be Honest

Not "be cruel," but rather "be honest." Most people think that being honest means ripping those around them a new one. "I only told him that for his own good." Phooey. That kind of honesty is meant to hurt and/or to punish others, thereby somehow making it seem that you "won."

All true honesty is SELF-honesty. I am therefore urging you to commit to being honest about the only thing you have a chance of getting to know--yourself. And all you can know is what you choose to be aware of. This might include sensory data, your interpretations (the story you are telling yourself,) and your intentions.

And here is an interesting twist on your intentions. I often tell clients that I don't care what they tell me they intend to do. I only care about what they actually do. So, if they say they intend to be honest, and then lie to me or to another, who they actually are is a liar. She or he is not a liar with good intentions, as intentions mean nothing until they are enacted.

Honesty, as I am using it, is all about letting your nearest and dearest know what is going on for you, in this moment. As such, honest communication is always "I" language. I cannot know anything about you--anything I say is a guess based upon my understandings, and is therefore about me, not you. So, I must let go of 'playing Kreskin' and get down to being open, honest, and revealing about me.

Remember: Honesty is about self-revelation, and all I can tell you about is what I am aware of today. Gandhi (after cancelling a salt march because of threats of violence) was criticized for lying. He replied, "I promised you truth, not consistency." Honesty is all about reporting what is going on for me, right now. "Here is what I am telling myself, here is what I am judging to be going on for me, and here is what I intend."

And then, be a person of integrity. Do what you say you will do.

4. Be Self-responsible

Self-responsibility is not popular, and that's because of the stuff I've just written about. To be self-responsible is to own up to the present state of your life, and to do this all the time. This "owning up" has the following basis: I am where I am, solely, because of how I have chosen to live and view my life.

No one is doing anything to any of us. No one makes you feel our feelings. Short of putting a gun to my head, no one can 'make' me do anything. No matter what I tell myself, I am the captain of my fate.

Now, of course, you're going to want to argue with me and pull out all of your tried and true abuse stories, and let me know, in no uncertain terms, how hard done by you were. Or are. And my only question to you is, "How's that story working for you?"

If you enjoy feeling stuck and sorry for yourself, keep telling yourself the same stuff. Keep pretending that the beliefs in your head are true. Keep re-enacting the same sorry stories, and add embellishments as soon as the story starts to get lame.

Or, become self-responsible.

It begins with honesty. Before you get into story-telling, start with, "Here is the story I am telling myself." Your story not true, it's not false, it's just this moment's story. Admitting you are making everything up as you go along is the first step in self-responsible living.

In a sense, this is all about letting everyone off the hook for what you are doing with your life. I am not denying that terrible stuff happens to people. I simply know that the only way past the horrors of the past is to choose to live and act in the present.

I understand that this is not easy, but playing the "poor me" card is guaranteed to get you more of the same. That may not be 'fair' (whoever told you life was supposed to be fair was lying to you) but it is the way it is.

Self-responsibility is, like our previous example, "I" language enacted. It brings our attention to the only thing under our control--our selves and our actions (which are really the same thing--you are nothing beyond what you actually do.) I claim ownership for who I am and what I do, and for nothing else. As such, my favourite word, integrity, comes to the fore.

Most people are out of integrity, as their actions are far from their self-descriptions, pronouncements, and commitments. Integrity, on the other hand, could be seen as following the AA model--here is who I am, here is my tendency, and here is my '5-year-pin' for personal 'sobriety' (how many days I have actually done what I said I'd do.)

Remember: We are people of integrity only as our actions match our words, and we are self-responsible only insofar as we let everyone else off the hook for how we conduct our lives. Blaming and excuse-making are games designed to salve our guilty conscience. Far batter to step up and be and enact who you are.

5. Go out of your mind, and come to your senses. (Fritz Perls)

Some of you younger people might not know that Fritz Perls was one of the founders of what's called the Gestalt Therapy movement. The German word 'Gestalt' is one of those 'hard to translate' words. It means a completed pattern or configuration. In its therapeutic usage, it means that "the issue is brought to completion."

Perls suggested that we spend way too much time up in our heads, thinking, plotting, planning, and blaming, and nowhere near enough time in our bodies. In the sensory world, (which is precisely where we live, even if we choose not to notice) we are surrounded by 'felt data and experience.'

One of the best ways to be alive is to acknowledge our internal feelings by actually enacting them. Rather than walking around pretending that I am not feeling anger, or happiness, or horniness, or sadness, or grief, or ecstasy, I find a safe and elegant way to acknowledge and express what I am feeling.

Honesty entails using 'I' language ahead of naming the feeling. Accurately, then, I say, "I am choosing to (for example) anger myself right now." It's essential to understand that no one 'makes you' angry, or sad, ecstatic or horny. Your feelings are an inside job.

When I am sad, I cry. When angry, I shout or hit a heavy bag. When ecstatic, my eyes fill and I get all 'soupy.' Mostly, people shove this stuff down, and then go into our heads and come up with all kinds of reasons why "I shouldn't feel that way."

We do this because we were taught, by adults, that feelings are scary. Most adults have low tolerance for 'negative' feelings, and only a bit more tolerance for the expression of the 'good' ones. Most of us were told we had to justify our feelings before expressing them. This does nothing to release the feeling or the energy connected to it. Indeed, many of us argue that unexpressed emotion, which is an internal energy (chi, prana,) becomes blocked, and that the cause of mental and physical dis-ease.

Many people feel 'odd' even talking about feelings and internal felt-states, let alone expressing them. Not that the feelings go anywhere, but denying their existence seems to create in us a feeling of somehow fitting in with our societal norms.

We suggest doing Bodywork with a trained professional, learning to breathe properly, and doing activities (yoga, tai chi, aikido, etc.) considered 'internal arts,' in order to free the trapped energy and let it out in useful and safe ways.

Remember: having a life is a self-responsible, moment-by-moment action. Included in this are speaking honestly, acting with integrity, and having your feelings. Each is a dance of letting go of our clinging to our stories, letting go of blaming and judging, and carefully and clearly designing the life we enact.