Susan, 38, sought my help because she was in two relationships at the same time. This didn't feel right to her, so she knew that she had to make a choice. Yet she could not seem to decide which relationship was right for her.
Susan had been in a relationship with Shawn for two years. Shawn, 43, was a delightful man, fun loving and sweet. However, Shawn would emotionally disappear for long periods of time, and he was clear that he did not want children ? which was very important to Susan. In addition, Shawn was always living on the edge financially.
Then Susan met Calvin, who was totally different than Shawn. Calvin stayed emotionally present, had a job he loved and made very good money, and wanted to have children. Susan was very attracted to Calvin and in her heart she knew that he was a much better choice for her than Shawn. Yet she could not seem to let go of Shawn.
As we explored the situation, it became apparent that Susan couldn't let go of Shawn because she was terrified of commitment. With Shawn there was no chance of being in a committed relationship ? he was not really available. Yet Susan felt ?safe? with Shawn. Safe from what?
Susan discovered that she was terrified of really being in love, which was a possibility with Calvin but not with Shawn. In her mind, being in love meant losing her freedom. When she thought of being with Calvin, she felt like she couldn't breathe. Her concept of a loving relationship was that, ?You are together all the time. I couldn't just go and be with my friends or take a vacation with a friend. Commitment means giving up freedom.?
No wonder she felt safe with Shawn! As long as Susan felt she had to give herself up to be in a loving relationship, she would not be able to make a commitment.
Douglas, 34, another client of mine, has the exact same problem. When he is in a relationship, he is a very ?nice guy.? He tends to try to please his partner because, in his mind, taking care of himself and doing the things he wants to do is selfish. Yet, in giving himself up to his partner, he ends up resenting her and ending the relationship. Like Susan, he is operating under the false belief that he has to give up his personal freedom to be in a loving relationship.
Both Susan and Douglas have a major false belief that is causing their fear of commitment: that loving another person means doing what that person wants instead of staying true to themselves and taking loving care of themselves. They both have a false definition of selfish. They think they are being selfish if they take care of themselves instead of care-take their partners. I offered them this definition of selfish:
Selfish is when you expect someone else to give themselves up for you ? to not do what they want to do and instead do what you want them to do. Selfish is when you do not support others in taking loving care of themselves and instead expect them to take care of you.
Giving yourself up is a form of control. You want to control how the other person feels about you by doing what they want you to do. When you do what another person wants you to do from love and caring, with no agenda to get their approval, you feel wonderful. But when you give yourself up from fear of your partner's anger or withdrawal, you will feel trapped and resentful. To be in a committed relationship, your first commitment needs to be to yourself ? to your truth, integrity and freedom.
Learning to take loving care of yourself is the key to healing a fear of commitment. When you are taking loving care of yourself, you will be filled with love and you will have much love to share with your partner!
Fear Of Commitment Men
Commitment is a responsibility to someone else or to you. When you commit to a course of action, you are responsible for ensuring that you do that action. If your commitment was to another person, that person expects that you will do what you committed yourself to do. If you commit to yourself that you will do something, you will feel bad if you don't, your self-esteem will plummet and the action will not get done. That unfulfilled action could be the difference between a life of plenty and a life of just getting by. It will certainly mean that your life will not go in the direction that it could have gone if you had taken the action.
Abraham Lincoln said, "A commitment is what transforms a promise into reality."
Commitment is hard. It comes with a responsibility to carry out the action that you have pledged to do. If you are in business, you commit to providing your customers with the products they desire with the best service possible. Service commitment is a business pledge that your customers expect you to keep. If you fail to do so, you will find that your business slowly withers away. So, commitment is a business necessity. It is the key to maximum business performance.
Commitment is what saves you, and all of us, from our fickle ego and its fluctuating fears and desires. If you fail to make a commitment to some course of action, then you are not really obliged to continue that course of action. For example, suppose you decide that you are going to go to the gym and exercise for an hour a day. You go for a couple of days and then on the third day you really don't feel like going. If you haven't made a commitment to do this exercise regardless of how you feel, then quitting the exercise is acceptable. If on the other hand you have made a commitment to do the exercise, then come what may, you are obliged to continue doing it.
You will find that a life of ethical commitment is a life full of rich relationships, meaningfulness, integrity and joy. Commitment is at the core of social life. The warm happy aspects of love are more likely to be evidenced if the underlying commitment is rock solid. Commitment is an important determinant of any relationship, either personal or professional. It is very difficult to build trust with another individual if we do not commit ourselves to do our very best to make our relationship with that other person the best that it can possibly be.
Commitment is healthiest when it is not without doubt, but in spite of doubt. There is only one sure thing in life and that is that at some point you will die. Everything else depends on you and your commitment to a course of action to have your life go in the direction that you want it to go. Unfortunately, commitment is something that many of us in this culture are averse to; we want to "keep our options open" and "be free to do what we want to."
This sounds nice and many people believe it; however, those that do leave the outcome of their life in the hands of someone else. If you don't commit to directing your own life, you become a passenger, taken wherever someone else wants you to go. This is why so many people complain today that their life just isn't turning out the way they wanted it to turn out. How can it? They are in the ship of life with no helmsman and no rudder, just drifting with the currents. For life energy to move in a desired direction, commitment is essential.
Commitment is the difference between mediocrity and excellence. Commitment is the most powerful force we have. When we commit to something, we take an active part in ensuring that the outcome of what we committed to is as close to perfect as possible. And that is exactly what everyone wants, everything as close to perfect as possible.
To ensure that it happens for you, make your commitment to your life today. With commitment from you, anything is possible, without it nothing is possible. So, remember commitment is a responsibility from you to yourself. Take that commitment and make your life all that you want it to be.
Both Margaret Paul, Ph.d. & Kevin Sinclair are contributors for EditorialToday. The above articles have been edited for relevancy and timeliness. All write-ups, reviews, tips and guides published by EditorialToday.com and its partners or affiliates are for informational purposes only. They should not be used for any legal or any other type of advice. We do not endorse any author, contributor, writer or article posted by our team.
Margaret Paul, Ph.d. has sinced written about articles on various topics from Parenting, Divorce and Infidelity and Cure Anxiety. Margaret Paul, Ph.D. best-selling author of eight books, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: . Margaret Paul, Ph.d.'s top article generates over 90500 views. Bookmark Margaret Paul, Ph.d. to your Favourites.
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