Wherever I go, potty training is a hot topic. There ishardly a workshop, presentation, or radio call-in advice show I do that aparent doesn't ask about a potty training problem.



I have to confess that potty training is my leastfavorite parenting topic, because this natural process seems to beunnecessarily complicated and causes a lot of frustration for parents. There isalso no research that proves any one particular potty training methodconsistently and reliably works with all children in a guaranteed specificamount of time. (Yes, I've read those ?potty training in a day? books and theydidn't work for me and a lot of other parents. In fact, sometimes the tacticsbackfired.)

When I combine my knowledge of child development, psychologyand family dynamics with my experience working with thousands of parents thepast 25 years, I see clear patterns emerge. By sharing these insightswith you, I hope you can make an informed decision about how you wantto handle potty training.

First, do you realize that going potty actually takes 10steps and 14 tasks?

1.     Realize you have to go (1 task)

2.     Get to the potty in time (1 task)

3.     Undo buttons and zippers and pull pants and underwear down in time (upto 4 tasks)

4.     Lift the seat or get onto the potty without falling in (1 task)

5.     Aim accurately or be sure everything that comes out goes in the potty (1task)

6.     Reach the toilet paper without losing your balance or falling off (1task)

7.     Wipe all the residue off and drop the paper in the toilet (1 task)

8.     Get off the potty and pull up your pants and underwear and redo buttonsand zippers (up to 4 tasks)

9.     Flush the toilet and maybe close the lid or put the seat down (up to 2tasks)

10. Washhands with soap and water (1 task)

Children aren't fully ?potty-trained? until they do allthe steps and tasks independently. How the child learns the process iscontroversial, because no one approach offers consistent results. There are twokey factors that influence how fast and successful potty training will occur:the parent's approach and the child's reaction to that approach.

There is a broad range of potty training approaches:

?       Atone extreme, parents may be totally unconcerned with potty training andassume children will eventually learn to go on their own, with little or noparental effort. You would think this approach takes the longest, but itdoesn't.

?       Anotherapproach is when parents teach the child in a relaxed unhurried way. Theypatiently teach the child the different tasks and steps, provide role modelsfor the child, have realistic expectations, and handle the entire process in avery matter-of-fact, calm manner. As the child progresses, the parent expressesconfidence in the child's ability, verbally acknowledges the child's efforts,and focuses on independence and hygiene as the rewards for accomplishing thetask. This approach is the most effective and physically and emotionallyhealthy. It just seems to take the longest, because parents are payingattention to the process and can become impatient if the child takes longer tolearn than they would prefer.

?       Amore controlling approach involves parents watching, reminding, bribing,and rewarding the child with stickers and candy. While this approach can getfast results, it carries a high risk of initiating power struggles, which canlead to bigger problems.*

?       Themost extreme controlling approach is for parents to do all the thinking andwork for the child, from birth. These parents devote themselvesto watching the child for cues that they need to go and then dropping whateverthey are doing to rush the child to a location where they can relievethemselves. A recent Associated Press report quoted several parents who usethis approach. One carried her child to a tree to pee and another held her babyover a sink in a public bathroom! This approach doesn't actually train the childand it violates several universal effective-parenting principles. But if you dochoose to use it at least put the baby on a toilet!

Now all of these methods can work, but none canguarantee results, because each child is different. For example:

?       Childrendiffer in their readiness and ability to understand and perform the steps andtasks.

?       Children?spersonalities influence whether they want to please their parents or beindependent, feel encouraged or manipulated, will blindly obey or rebel againstcontrol.

?       Somechildren relax and go with the flow while other children hold out and hold on,literally, even if they develop medical problems in the process.*

So it really boils down to this: no matter whattechniques, tactics and tricks a parent tries, a child's intellectual,psychological and emotional makeup will determine the speed and success ofpotty training. There are no fully-functioning adults who aren't potty trained,so eventually everyone learns this skill. In fact, unless a child has a medicalcondition or bad potty-training experience, all children will potty trainthemselves by kindergarten.

Furthermore, it is pretty much impossible for anychild to be completely potty trained (totally independent andself-responsible) before 18 months old and unlikely before the age oftwo-and-a-half. Here's why:

• Children cannot control the sphincter muscle (responsible for holding/releasing bowel movements) until they are at least eighteen-months-old. The muscle doesn't have that ability until that age. So anything that happens before that age is because the parent is trained, not the child.
• Remember those ten steps and 14 tasks? Well #7 is wiping oneself, which isn't even physiologically possibly until a child's arm has grown long enough to reach his or her behind! Most children who are on-track developmentally will be able to do this task independently by kindergarten. So that means that no matter what method you use, your child still won't be able to perform this final step of potty training independently until about the same age as every other child.

So don't feel inferior when some mother compares herso-called potty trained baby to your training-in-progress toddler. Just smile,knowing both children will complete the learning process about the same time nomatter what the parent does...and some methods are healthier and riskier thanothers.

Yes, children consistently prove to us that ultimately theirbodies are within their control. We can lead them to a potty but wereally can't make them go.

So the choice is yours. How much time, attention,effort, and emotion do you want to invest in this? Unlike most ?returns oninvestments? (ROIs), the more you invest in this process --- by making it a'big deal? --- the more it actually increases your risk of experiencingproblems. Since every child will eventually do this naturally, yourchoice is whether to give encouragement or try to control the child. 

* Anytime potty training has become a big issue, you willusually find one of two things: Either the child had a bad experience and isfearful of going potty or the child felt the parent was too controlling andthey are now in a battle of wills. Both can cause children to hold onto theirwaste to the point of developing a chronic medical condition! These problemstake the longest to resolve and require medical assistance. It's not uncommonfor these children to still not be fully potty trained by kindergarten.