Guide to Trauma Free Relationships

(409 words)



Written by Norbert Henke (Counselor/Psychotherapist)

Singles have to protect and rely on themselves for happiness, decision-making and particularly, when it comes to sex. However, for many singles, sex (or intercourse) becomes a barometer of their self-worth and the amount of love they give to themselves. This can make, in particular, a good hearted, trusting and/or insecure single very emotionally/ physically vulnerable and thus, an easy target for the partner from Hell. Therefore, knowledge and awareness become very crucial and important methods to protect and avoid disaster, a broken heart and other catastrophes. This article is designed to promote awareness as it's topic is part of the psychological foundation of a happy, confident individual.

Nearly every time we turn on Television we see people bursting with self-confidence.

One particular movie comes to my mind as a passenger has to land a plane, in which the pilots were gunned down by terrorists. This passenger recalled his novice experiences as he trained on a small fixed wing aircraft.

Descending from a high altitude and approaching the landing strip he says to himself in encouraging manner, ?I can do it. I can do it" and so he landed the plane.

Self-confidence is built on a succession of success.

Success breeds success. Failure breeds failure.

When we learn a new language or learn to ride a bicycle, our first attempts were probably fairly meager in performance, but after repetitions our self-confidence rises, so that we make ourselves understood in the new language or take the training wheels off the bicycle.

Small successes are the stepping stones for future successes.

Still, what would the failure-type do?

He/she would remember the effects and emotions of failed events, instead of concentrating on his/her strength and bringing his/her past successes to shine. All the good feelings that occurred in the process of achieving success are being eroded. He/she seems unable to be objective and think positively. The self-confidence will disappear.

The reader might ponder how one can be confident within a relationship without the threat of losing the partner? When we make our partner into an authority figure of our lives and psychological well-being, then it becomes difficult to be confident. The behavior of submission or the skill to deflect aggressive partner(s) is learned during childhood and is called operant conditioning. For instance, we learned to hide from a violent father or to fear our drunken mother. When years later a similar situation occurs during the relationship, our subconscious mind goes back to the childhood experiences that shaped our beliefs. Unless we re-learn or repair our beliefs it becomes difficult to feel confident and assertive. A lack of confidence therefore makes us vulnerable. We lose opportunity and we can become dependent within a relationship. Furthermore, we are not developing our full potential. The way to more self-confidence goes through awareness and self-improvement. In intimate relationships it remains the task of each partner to become psychologically whole as much as possible (or needed). This is the best way to avoid the partner from Hell, (or to become one) as they will probably look for shy, less confident targets.