John Bowlby did a lot of work looking into the effects of parenting on children during the 1960's. Bowlby coined the term "good-enough parenting". His basic premise was that as long as you avoided the sins of "bad" parenting, you were doing okay, and your children would survive. So is that merely good enough? Or do you need to do more in efforts to be the best parent possible - do you need to strife to be a "super" parent or even an "ultimate" parent? Is there really an "ultimate" parent or is that a myth perpetuated by the feminist movement?

First of all you need to get this through your head: Nobody is perfect. You can do everything humanly possible to be a "perfect" parent but it just isn't going to happen. Try to imagine not making one mistake, ever, while you are raising your children. You won't be able to do it and you wouldn't really need to. Look at Bowlby's idea of a "good enough parent" from that aspect, and you'll see that his concept is true. Making mistakes is normal and your kids WILL survive.

But, like most parents, you probably have higher standards for your children than just average. There are things you can do, changes you can make to your attitude, that will give your kids the best development they could possible have. And, you can take some of the pressure off yourself at the same time. The following techniques can help you with your parenting skills so you can soon call the "ultimate" parent:

1) Remember that you are a fallible human being. You are not Superman or Wonder Woman, able to be all things to all people. Besides making mistakes along the way, you will have your own dysfunction from your past to deal with. It's attitude, not perfection that matters here.

So what does this attitude include? First be humble and know that you will always have something to learn. Be ready to have others teach you and be open to learning from the mistakes you make. You are grown up when you can look at your life and know the things you've learned about yourself as well as the things that you still need to change.

Going overboard the other way and continually berating yourself is as bad as thinking you already know it all. Forgive your mistakes and celebrate your triumphs. Learn lessons from your past but don't dwell on it. Go forward with your life in the way that you want. If you need help ask for it or if you feel able, just "get over it".

2) Recognise you are playing a percentage game. We have all heard of them: the kids from the most abusive, deprived backgrounds who somehow manage to make huge successes of themselves. And the kids from the very best of families (as demonstrated by their siblings) who somehow go off the rails into drugs and crime.

Unfortunately, the truth is that parents are just one factor in a child's upbringing. Children are also under the influence of peers, other relatives, teachers, media figures, and anyone else they encounter on a daily basis, not to mention there own genetic predisposition. There's nothing you can do to control all of the influences. Even if you are the best, ultimate parent, you kids may still have problems. And you could be the worst parent and have the most successful children. Nothing in life is a sure thing.

So you play the percentages. You know that if you beat your kids, they are more likely to turn out bad than good. So, on average, beating your kids is probably not a good idea. Using fair and consistent discipline probably produces better odds for a successful outcome - so do that instead.

You success as a parent is NOT determined by how well your children turn out. It IS determined by whether you did all you reasonably could to do the right things and make the right decisions for them, WITH THE KNOWLEDGE YOU HAD AT THE TIME. Maybe those decisions turn out to be the wrong ones. So be it. That does not mean you failed as a parent. But, if you were too lazy to get the facts, if you just took the easiest decision without thinking about the impact on your children, then, I believe, you have failed - even if it turns out that the decision was the right one!

3) Recognise your children are not the only things in your life. In this day and age we seem to be obsessed with the idea that the interests of the children come first, before anything else. I strongly disagree with that concept. Yes, me must consider the best interests of the child, but there are other things to consider too.

It may be, for instance, that taking a new job in a different city might be the best thing for your family - even if it means taking your child away from his school and friends.

There has to be a balance in our children's lives. By putting them first exclusively you run the danger of teaching your children that their needs and interests matter above anyone else. You are creating a selfish "me first" child. Of course we should consider our families needs when making decisions, but ultimately you have to do what's in the best interest of the entire family.

4) Keep your focus on the long term. Bringing up children can be a long process. Keep in mind your long term goals for your children - how do you want them to turn out as adults? What values, morals and interests do you have in mind? You need to think about what your children need to attain those skills and character traits.

Some times parents are faced with quick results or taking the longer, harder approach. Many times the longer approach, while more difficult short term, bears fruit in the long range. For instance, when kids are getting difficult or rowdy, it's easy to turn to the TV as an easy babysitter, but most often your child wants your attention, the chance to sit with you and work on a puzzle, read a book or build a model.

5) Your children will make mistakes, just like you, but notice the positives. Gently correct and forgive them, then move on. Focus on the right things they did rather than the wrong. They want your attention, so if you respond more strongly to the negatives, they will do more of them. If you praise them for the positives, they will try so much harder to please you all the time.

6) Stick to your guns. Believe in yourself. If you are doing all the above, then you are well on the right track. There will be times when you make decisions and you get challenged on them, either by your children, or by others (such as interfering relatives). Unless there genuinely are new facts that you weren't aware of before, don't be swayed. And don't be afraid to say no - to your children and your relatives - if that is the right thing to say.

Sure, your decision may turn out to be a bad one. That happens. Hindsight is 20-20. But far better to stick to your decision, than to be a plastic bag blowing about in the breeze. You children are watching you; watching how you deal with life, how you make decisions, how you cope with adversity, how you believe in yourself and stand up for yourself and your family. Be a good example for them.