1. Firstly, check your kitchen cupboards. If you find a jar of instant coffee, or are under the impression that this is an acceptable substitute for the real thing, stop reading now. You are wasting your time. Instead, I suggest a course of ECT, or perhaps seppuku.



Ok, for those who pass this first hurdle:

2. Green beans. These are essential for a fresh cup of coffee. They are not easy to buy on the high street, because selling them would undercut the coffee-vendors business, but you can find them easily on the internet. Take up a hobby - perhaps karate, capoeira dancing or creative writing - to while away the time waiting for them to turn up.

3. Roast your beans. You can get special machines to do this (a popcorn maker will do the job) but dry-roasting them in a saucepan on the hob also works well. Use a lid as they pop, sometimes quite violently. Disable your smoke alarm or close the kitchen door while you do this, as the process creates a lot of acrid smoke. If you do not have a smoke alarm, buy one NOW. Fire safety is very important. Experiment with the heat; you may wish to turn it up high at first, then lower as the beans roast to cook them through without burning the surface. Stop when they reach a deep brown - about the color of, say, freshly roast coffee.

4. Grind your beans. Use a coffee grinder (naturally) or the grinder attachment on a blender. You can do this while the beans are still hot. Grind to a medium-coarse consistency, or whatever your coffee machine requires. Smell the freshly-ground coffee: this, more than anything, will prepare you for the treat in store for you. The sensation can actually be physically painful to your sinuses, such is the freshness and the levels of exciting volatile chemicals (known as terpenes) coming off it at this stage. If the beans are cooler this will not be so intense, though they should still find their way through to your cup in the end. Spare roasted beans can be kept for some weeks in the fridge. Unroasted green beans will keep for many months.

5. Place ground coffee in coffee maker. You may need a little more than you would normally use. A filter coffee maker is fine, but try to find one with a mesh filter, not paper, which steals some of the coffees essential oils en route to your mug. Cafetieres also work well.

6. Press the button on the coffee maker. If you cannot find the button, you are probably using a cafetiere. Enjoy the noises of brewing or, if it is a cafetiere or you never did find that button, make your own.

7. Find a mug and pour milk into it, if desired. Pour fresh coffee into mug. Carry mug outside and sit your garden patio, preferably on a summer morning. Drink coffee.