The internet is full of sage advice on “How to pick up women”. What to wear, how to dress, how to act, endless lists of dos and don'ts. So why does it fail us just when we need it the most? Why is it that we can't keep our cool only when we're around the woman we desire the most? It seems that the women we want the most are the ones we find it impossible to get. We like to tell ourselves that competition is stiff, but we all know at some level that there's more to it than that – for most of us, there's something wrong inside.

I'm not talking about psychological problems here. I'm talking about the normal struggles and insecurities that every man (and every woman) faces. And technique will not cure this one – a change in attitude is required, and that requires the courage to look deep inside and ask yourself some uncomfortable questions, like:

(1) Why do I have to have this particular woman?

(2) Why do I have to have any woman at all?

(3) What is it that I really want from women, anyway?

Take some time considering these questions. Dig deep. Odds are the answers will surprise you. The first answers most guys will give to all three of the above questions will usually be something like love or sexual gratification. But if my own experience is any indication, the most important motivation is something that has nothing to do with love or sex. On the contrary, the deepest and most important reason that motivates most men to seek “success with women” is to establish their own masculinity.

There. I said it. Once the Big Secret has been brought out in the open and articulated, what once seemed impossible to understand suddenly becomes simple. No woman can impart masculinity to any man, because women don't have any to give (not any kind of woman I would go out with, anyway). A woman might be able to make you feel like a man, but she can't make you a man.

A suggestion: take a vacation from dating and climb a mountain. Join the army. Start standing up for what you believe is right no matter what the consequences. Stop tiptoeing around people whose disapproval you fear, look them straight in the eye, and tell them what you think even if you lose your job or your friends that way. You'll lose a lot that way but trust me – you'll get it all back later. And when the smoke has cleared, you'll find that you're much more attractive to women without even trying to be.