Catherine Ponder



HO-ho or Oh no!

Christmas is traditionally set up as the season of goodwill. In reality, for many, it's a season of high tension and conflict. The holiday time forces people together: couples, siblings and relatives. A few days (or hours) together and you're all feeling like soldiers ready to settle the conflict.

This year, I endured the ultimate conflict, a Court Room battle. With a judge looking down on me and the opposing barrister sneering, I came to understand conflict like never before.

The Holy Relationship

I'm sure we've all been on the winning and losing sides or disputes. I'm sure we can remember the heat of a battle when the ego urges us to win at any cost. Yet when we lose, our spirit just wishes our opponent could have spared us our dignity.

Life is about relationships - relationships with self, others and nature. Modern day spiritual leaders say that all relationships are holy. Therefore our relationship with everything becomes vital. In the last few years I've begun to understand and work with the concept.

Let me explain this a little better.

In unholy relationships you and I will see each other as separate. We will see our ideas through deferent eyes and disagree on points of view. If I am desperate for a victory - to help me feel better about myself and the way I fit into the world - I will fight you to the point where the relationship is destroyed, or I self-destruct.

In a holy relationship we see ourselves as one and the same. We understand and celebrate differences and find them intriguing and mysterious. We explore them with enjoyment, while honouring each other and the points where we can both agree. At all times the relationship with the inner-self and the world is more important than the point of difference, winning and losing.

In Reality

The practice of building holy relationships begins in day-to-day living. In the last few weeks I've become intently aware my eldest child hit teenage. Almost overnight, he seemed to change from a boy into young adult seeking to better understand his relationship with the world. As a father this has meant stepping back and allowing him the space to explore.

As I'm sure you may be aware, teenagers know everything. As parents we perceive we are the fountain of all knowledge, since we've usually lived longer and experienced more. In an unholy relationship this combination can be like a bonfire, covered in paraffin, waiting for a match. In a holy relationship we ask the teenager to expand on his thoughts and communicate our understanding of his view point. We might also say we have a different view and invite them the listen to another point of view.

In a relationship with our spouse we have the good old stress nugget called PMT. In an unholy relationship this can be an irritating 48 hours full of undercurrents and isolation. In a holy relationship the woman tells the man 'I have PMT,' and for the next two days he nurtures her while her body and mind are in pain. This might mean simple rituals such as putting an old movie on, bringing her a hot water bottle, a drink and that much coveted bar of chocolate.

At Christmas our relatives will bring us a mixed bag: opinionated ideals, pedantic behaviour, same old put- downs - or if they're creative, some new ones. Under the stress of being in their company for an extended time, alcohol and a bloated belly, something may want to pop - and not just the button around your waist!

Your Blessing

Your Christmas gathering might be a hot-bed of excited children, moody teenagers, PMT and disagreeable relatives. But your blessing is, as the quote at the top says, all about vying for 'Your divine attention' in some way or another. The fact is that they will either do this in one of two ways: negatively or positively.

In your response to them you can now answer them in one of two ways: by using a holy relationship model or an unholy one.

The choice is with you.

Your Homework:

1. Consider the relatives who always seems to push your buttons. Think about them and ask yourself how you can transform this relationship into a holy one, by listening, acknowledging what they say and exploring what you agree on.

2. How can you get to them before they get to you? What kind thing can you say before they get to be unkind? Can you compliment them or relate a story about them when they were kind or loving.

3. What other ways can you give people the blessing of your divine attention this Christmas.

Thanks for reading, spreading the word with us and advertising with us this year. May this Christmas be a blessing for you and for everyone who comes anywhere near you.

Love and best wishes

Neil