"Forgiveness is like a martial arts consciousness. In Aikido and other martial arts, we side step our attacker's force rather than resisting it. The energy of the attack then boomerangs back in the direction of the attacker. Our power lies in remaining nonreactive. Forgiveness works in the same way. When we attack back, and defense is a form of attack, we initiate a war that no one can win. Since lovelessness is not real, we are not at the effect of it in ourselves or others. The problem, of course, is that we think we are."



"A return to Love: A Reflection on the principles on the Course in Miracles". By Marianne Williamson, 1996.

I chose to write about this particular excerpt on forgiveness in relationships because what she is writing about is how you can have freedom, love, and peace in relationships. We are blocked from that experience because there is a pervading belief in our society that we need to defend and protect ourselves against attack from others as a way to keep our power. This unfortunately only causes so much unnecessary suffering in our lives.

Often in relationships we feel the need to defend or attack back when someone "attacks us". If you do not defend yourself than you think you are weak. Furthermore, there is a belief that not forgiving someone is also a form of power. You can control them and exert power over them with your anger. Forgiveness is the access to peace and love in relationships.

I think often times we feel the need to hold onto anger toward a person because if we don't we are saying what they did is ok. This is not true you can forgive and not condone.

The key to allowing forgiveness in your life is to realize forgiveness is not about the other person it is about you. When you are angry at someone or yourself you are blocking love. No positive change can occur when love is blocked. Forgiving another person is not setting them free it sets you free.

So many people I know who finally forgave their absent father, mother, or a partner who walked out on them became literally transformed as a result. They were released from years of anger and resentment that was holding them back in their lives. They were able to love themselves and others at a much deeper level when they forgave these people in their lives.

If you see forgiveness as a gift you give to yourself instead of something you give to another person you will reap the benefits. I think forgiveness is one of those lifelong lessons we have to work at. Sometimes it is easier to forgive one person for something but not another. But the situations where you find it the most difficult to forgive are the situations you have the most to learn from.

Learning to forgive those who have attacked me has been a powerful tool in my life. When I harbor anger and resentment toward another person it only hurts me and I am the one who suffers.

This past year I realized I was holding onto resentment toward myself about a romantic relationship that ended. I was so angry at myself for caring "more" about this person than he did me. I resented the fact that I let myself be "weak" and "desperate" by caring about someone who did not care about me in the same way.

I found myself ruminating over things that had happened in the past between us and wanting so bad to change what had happened. But what I got so clear about was that the reason I was stuck and not able to forgive him was because I was not able to forgive myself.

I had this belief that if I cared about someone more than they cared about me and showed it than I was weak. Ouch, that is a very harsh and unloving way to be toward myself. But I had no clue that I felt this way and was harboring so much anger at me.

When I realized how angry I was at myself I was able to forgive and truly accept how I felt about him, what happened, and blessed the relationship a success. I accepted my feelings and did not judge and punish myself anymore.

This was a tricky situation at first because the lack of forgiveness I had toward myself was hiding under the guise that I was angry at him. I thought I had to learn how to forgive him. But forgiving me was the lesson and the key to my freedom and peace.

If you are trying to forgive another person and you are struggling with it, maybe look to see if you have any anger toward yourself. See if there is a place in your heart where you have been unloving to yourself.

Your assignment for this week: I ask you today to make a list of people in your life you have not forgiven. Then answer these questions: What happened? Stick to the facts not your interpretation of what happened. What feelings do you harbor about this person situation or yourself? What do you fear will happen if you forgive? Is that fear real, can you touch it with your hands? What impact has this lack of forgiveness had on you and the other people in your life? What could be possible for you if you forgive?

Copyright (c) 2008 Melisa Milonas LLC